I don't know what some of my most recent friends think I am,
they want deep insightful conversations, they want my vision of the meaning of life.
And I was like that at one point in my life, it got me no where. No where but a sad and weird place. I'm not that person anymore. I don't care enough about things, except maybe myself. I don't know. Life is going in a slow dull way. I'm upset with how monotonous it's gotten but take a weird joy in it too. Going to Ohio nearly killed me, my grandma is worse off and I wish I hadn't gone (I know, selfish me...but I can no longer regain the old image I had of her). She asked me five or six times a day who I was and what time I had gotten in. I met my cousin though. Well, met her is a weird term, the last I saw her I was two or three. We're not a very close family, and that's okay to me. There's a weird drama about family. With families come big get togethers, comes funerals, comes all those things I never had growing up-that I'm fine not having to this day.
I bought a hat today for a dollar at walmart. It's not as baggy as I want, but it's a dollar. Mom doesn't understand why I like it, I don't either. With winter comes this strange feeling of wanting to hide in all my clothes and escape. I just want to start school. I just want to see all my best friend again (but I know once I see her I will start crying... I miss her that much). None of these holidays feel so important. Nothing feels as important as this aching need to be on the move. To go.